1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
