what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
