can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
