Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
