dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
