Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He better not be in your backpack
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
