I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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