I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
