So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
