Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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