I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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