She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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