i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
