my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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