I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
The best revenge is premature balding
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
