Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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