If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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