Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Four minutes until I can fart!
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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