So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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