I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
