The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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