It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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