I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
