You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
