what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
