my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
