You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
