i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
