so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
