cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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