When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
