i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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