I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
