I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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