In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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