I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
