Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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