I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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