It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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