I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
