I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
you had me at cake vodka
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize