We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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