The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
