What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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