I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I can't trust your balls anymore.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
