also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
