Tell her she can't have a vagina
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
