So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
