Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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