I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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