I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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