The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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