saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
