Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
