Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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