i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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