Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
