At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
