my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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