Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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