He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
