Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
