I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
