i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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