i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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