I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
